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Currently in Gold Coast, should be enjoying but I'm here updating my blog at this time instead. I'm now typing this by the beach hahahha love it so much, I wish I could visit the beach in the future. I don't know how to express my feelings, there is so much I want to say but I don't know who to talk to and what to say. I really feel like my existence in this world is not needed at all. I tried my best to make everyone around me happy, tell jokes, say stupid stuff, talk, and chat with them more, but none gives a shit, not even my family. I look like a dumb clown trying to entertain everyone. 

You have no idea how much I have waited, looked forward to this trip because this is our first time going on a trip as a whole after so many years (10 years?). I don't know is it me only, but I really really appreciate it a lot. It seems like they don't feel this way. My opinions are not needed, everytime when I talk I either make them feel uncomfortable or say something wrong. That's why I told myself today, don't talk. The more you talk, the more they will hate you, your words were never needed anyway. 

I've been looking forward to this trip since few weeks ago, keep counting down, come to think about it, I looked like some stupid dumb ass. Wanted to visit the beach so badly, thought that this could keep me away from all the bullshits I am going through temporarily. But too bad, I did not have the chance to go to the beach. Sister promised me but didn't keep her promise. It's okay, I'm used to it already anyway. People don't really take my words seriously and they don't really care about my feelings. 

Why am I even here? I really shouldn't be here, they don't need me... 

Friends? Literally all of them are neither replying nor caring when they ALREADY KNOW that I'm not feeling good. Yesterday during the party, while listening to Jie's friend (Cheryl)'s friend talking about how they met each other, how they cherish each other and what they experienced together made me realize how lonely was I all this while. I wish I could have a friend like this too.. I don't need many, one will do. I really feel like changing my number and disappear and not contacting any of them anymore. Vivienne always said, you have so many best friends, lili, joanne, nikki. No, you're wrong. 

I will still wait, for the one who truly cares for me to appear in my life. 

A different week.

I'm finally free to update my blog because my sister just left from Melbourne to KL. *so envious* Ok so where do I start now...

Few weeks ago my sister told me that she was gonna come to my place for one month during her semester break. I was so happy that I kept counting down to the day she arrives and even planned about where to go when she comes. But something happened to her so she was hurt mentally. So after a few days living at my place, she told me she's going back to KL. I knew she missed home, missed her friends. But at that moment I was a lil' down & disappointed, well, more than a lil' i guess. Thought I didn't have to be alone but nah, still gotta be alone. At the same time, I got ignored by few of my close friends. I swear I was so upset omg. Anyways, my sister is coming back in two weeks time, yay. 

Last friday when she arrived, she surprised me by asking Jen to call me and asked me to go to the lobby. Actually she told me she was gonna arrive on Saturday, but this asshole surprised me hehehe. 

29/04 (Wednesday)

I don't have class on Wednesday so me and my sister decided to go to Harbour Town to hunt for some winter clothing. 

Candid shot lol

 My OOTD:

Top from UNIQLO

Skirt from Kitsch Place

Bag from Bonita

01/05 (Friday)
I don't have class on Friday too lol so we went to Chinatown for dinner. We went to a Japanese Restaurant called Sushi Hotaru and the queue was crazy. The food wasn't even that good.. But my sister insisted to queue because she LOVES Japanese Food. We waited for almost 45 minutes (Gosh). Before we entered the restaurant...

OOTD shot LOL.

I was craving for dessert after dinner so we went to Dessert Story. The dessert there made me miss snowflake even more T_T

The interior design~

Yup that pretty much sums up my whole week. I'm so busy with all my assignments and tests shit this week. So stressed sigh. Hopefully this month can end faster. Can't wait to go back to Malaysia :D

Phillip Island

[Late Update: Phillip Island Trip 07 Apr - 08 Apr]

It was one week of easter break, I actually didn't want to go for the trip but Yingjia wanted to go so I thought I, as a friend should go to accompany her. It's always been hard for me to blend in, so I've tried to reduce my time with them. There are people judging and looking down on others, people that make me feel left out, people that don't care about others' feelings. I kind of regretted going with them actually, the only thing that i thought was worth it was the views and sceneries. Well, I guess I can't blame anyone, there's no right and wrong in friendship. I just hate the person who looks down on others, thinking he's so great. Of course, there are also some of them who treated me well and i appreciated it. 

With Yingjia.

With Wanling.

Such a breathtaking view don't you think so?

I'm a thalassophile, looking at the sea makes me feel better.

This is just <3

I don't mind living here forever.

Ugh my hair is so ugly, need to dye my hair asap.

Failed jumpshot lol. Face cmi.

Cute Koala!

Beautiful scenes everywhere.

Shoooo cute omggg.

Even more cuter haha. The trainer was training the dog to catch the sheep and the sheep were running away from the dog. Cutest thing ever.

These pictures pretty much sum up my trip. 

Sigh hopefully I can meet friends that treat me sincerely but not taking me for granted here, I've met so many friends who take me for granted. I'm gonna die of loneliness :( Also, I can't wait to go back to Malaysia ASAP. 2 more months, yay! :D

If tomorrow starts without me

"If i die tomorrow"

If you should wake tomorrow

and find that I'm not here

remember how much I love you

and please don't shed your tears.

For my life on earth is over

My days have been fulfilled

I did what God intended

My rows have all been tilled.

Just think of me with smiles

Hold my memory in your heart

For if you don't forget me

We'll never be apart.

For all the loves I held so dear

I'll be there by your side

watching, standing over you

I'll always be your guide.

And if one day you feel a sense

a whisper in your ear

Don't be alarmed, it's only me

to let you know I'm near.

And if we never got to hug

or say the word goodbye

Please, don't have a broken heart

and sit around and cry. 

Remember that I loved the Lord

and made my peace within

I prayed for his forgiveness

He washed away my sins.

So if I die tomorrow

and the sun for you won't shine

Just look up towards the heavens

I'm with the Great Divine

 Author: Unknown

"If Tomorrow Starts Without Me"

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me…

If tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not here to see,

If the sun should rise you find your eyes all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,

While thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you

And each time that you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.

He said my place was ready, in heaven far above

And that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love. 

But as I turned and walked away a tear fell from my eye.

For all my life I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do.

It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays the good ones and the bad.

I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,

I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized that this could never be,

For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.

When I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow

I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.

When I walked through heavens gates I felt so much at home.

God looked down and smiled at me from his great golden throne

He said, “This is eternity and all I’ve promised you”

Today your life on earth has passed but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last

And since each day is the same there’s no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful so trusting and so true.

Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.

You have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.

So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts with out me don’t think we’re far apart,

For every time you think of me, I’m right here in your heart.

 Author: David Romano

These poems kind of wakes me up to the reality of life itself today. Life is never easy, but why are we still willing to live in this world? Because we all have people we love & want to protect and take care of. It's all about love. But will they love you back even if you give them everything, treat them wholeheartedly? No, that's my answer. I've been telling myself I'll eventually meet the person who cherishes me, loves me as much as my parents do, But it has been so many years, why hasn't the person showed up yet?
One day if I'm gone, I hope there's someone who'd remember me forever, shed some tears for me, buy me the flowers i like, clea my graveyard and talk to me even if I'm gone. But, that's only what I hope. If I'm gone, I want everyone to forget me, I'd never want anyone to live a life like mine, I don't want to be selfish anymore. Life is so pessimistic..

Life sucks, and then you die.

Overwhelming feeling of sadness. Why do I always have to feel so insecure? Why can't I be cool about everything? Why do I have to make myself feel shitty every single day? I tried.. I really tried my best to be a happy girl, i tried to not let my family worry, i tried.. i really tried.. I'll not give up, I'll continue to be a better person, until I'm really tired of faking.